Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
