Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
Randomize
