I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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