He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Randomize
