I just cut my nipple shaving
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
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