i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
