I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
