I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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