You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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