New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
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