I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
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