The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
