A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
Randomize
