i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
