if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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