the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
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