i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
