I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
