There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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