we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Randomize
