hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Randomize
