Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
there is another microwave in the elevator.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
