her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
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