Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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