who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
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