You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Randomize
