Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize
