i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
