I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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