I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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