Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
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