So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
My vagina just recognized that song.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
