I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
