Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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