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The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
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