Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
