While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
