Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Randomize
