worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
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