It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
