oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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