so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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