please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
