Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
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