Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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