He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
