how do you spell 'special'? like slow?
S P E L L C H E C K
No you dumbass thats not right
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
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