Nicole vs. Life
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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