Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
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