I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Randomize
